


The Adventures of Remy Smith, Certified Antihero

by TiredPanAndNotAFan (orphan_account)



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Deceit Sanders Has a Different Name, Everyone Is Gay, Genderfluid Morality | Patton Sanders, Homophobia, Remus is a chaotic Rat, Remy has Baggage, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Transphobia, Violence, Virgil Is A Villain, Why Did I Write This?, blood probably, deceit is also kinda harsh, neither from main characters, serious injury maybe, why
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2020-10-25 19:00:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20729171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/TiredPanAndNotAFan
Summary: Superhero Sanders Sides, focused on Remy (Sleep).Remille Finnigan Smith, by day, is the owner of a popular coffee shop, named "Beside the Sea Coffee and Tea." He has a roommate that he can't afford to move away from. He has a crush that he can never get. Remy Smith is, by all means, a Perfectly Normal Human Being.Remille Finnigan Smith, by night, prowls the streets as The Sandman, ready to go fight anyone foolish enough to pick a fight with him. He has 1.5 Arch Nemeses. He can turn dust and sand into towering golems of destruction and make anyone fall asleep with the snap of his fingers. And he has more emotional baggage than you would believe.





	1. in which a Completely Normal Man Talks to his Roommate

**Author's Note:**

> The first few chapters are going to be introduction, I think!! if you have any suggestions, for the story, please let me know in the comments! if you EVER see somthing that could be a trigger, tell me so I can add a warning.
> 
> This is being written on my school chromebook so all curse words will be bleeped with asterisks, if I stop posting it means that didn't work as intended.
> 
> ANY TYPOS? ROAST ME PLS, I DONT HAVE A BETA READER YET!!

Remille Finnigan Smith, by day, is the owner of a popular coffee shop, named "Beside the Sea Coffee and Tea," which is next door to a cute Knick-Knack shop. He has a roommate that hates, and is to broke to move away from him to get his own living space. He has a crush that he can never get, and it happens to be his ex-boyfriend's totally-cute therapist. Remy Smith is, by all means, a Perfectly Normal Human Being.

Remille Finnigan Smith, by night, prowls the streets of his beloved (well, not quite) city as The Sandman, ready to go all out with anyone foolish enough to pick a fight with him. He has 1.5 Arch Nemeses, in the ways of his old partner-in-Evil, Papercut, and the pompous jerkwad superhero, The Prince, who also fight, like it's a weird Poly thing. He can turn dust and sand into towering golems of destruction and make anyone fall asleep with the snap of his fingers. And he has more emotional baggage than you would believe.

But right now it was day, and Remy was working his usual shift at his shop. It was placed squarely on a piece of land that let him build an outside sitting area that overlooked the ocean from a 10-foot drop-off. Business was slow, and Remy was admiring said ocean, his aviator glasses placed squarely on top of his head and his small button with "He/Him' pronouns on his jacket for all to see. It was a good day, a quiet day. With Autumn just around the corner, Tourist Season was over, and they would finally get some peace and quiet. Everything was perfect.

The door swung open, the bell jingled out a cheerful greeting. Remy pushed down his sunglasses and turned, putting on his very best customer-service smile.

There goes his perfect day.

"What do you want, _Virgil?_" Remy hissed, glaring through his aviators. The black-clad nightmare huffed and stalked forward.

"Don't turn this into a thing, Rem. Just give me a black coffee an I'll be gone."

"Don't 'Rem' me. I banned you from this establishment. I retain the right to refuse service to any customer." Remy's words ran with ice. The few regulars who were sitting around the shop quickly looked down at their drinks as if they were the most interesting things in the world. This was most definitely not something any of them wanted to get involved in.

Virgil leaned over the counter and narrowed his eyes at Remy. "I thought I said not to make it a thing? That sounded an awful lot like a threat." Remy grabbed the front of Virgil's shirt and pulled him forward, glaring over his sunglasses. Remy's eyes glowed a dangerous gold.

"I _said._" Remy shoved Virgil back. "Leave."

Virgil's eyes flashed purple for a moment, and he pulled what appeared to be a glowing card out of his jacket, so that only Remy could see.  
"you want to turn this into a fight? Here? Because we can fight," Virgil threatened, his words seeped with acid.  
Remy slammed his fist on the counter, making things shake with the force of the action.  
The decorative sand in the jars placed around the coffee shop swirled in their containers.

The air between them was like ice, any trace of warmth gone.

Virgil backed away slowly. The glowing card in his hand dissipated into the air. "Didn't want your sh*t coffee anyway. Meet me at the boardwalk tonight." He whipped around and stalked out. The bell excused him with a jarringly out-of-place ring.

Remy clapped, startling the remaining patrons.  
"How about all of us forget what just happened, okay babes?'

...

Once his shift was over, Remy stalked out of _By The Sea._ He was silently fuming, ready to explode. Of course, on his absolutely perfect day, his stupid roommate decided to show up with his stupid order for stupid black coffee, with his stupid threats and his stupid turf wars. 

_Stupid, stupid, stupid._

Remy stomped down the steps that would lead him to the beach; he needed to let off some steam. And get warmed up for tonight. Ever since Remy had decided to _not_ be an evil piece of sh*t, Virgil was constantly challenging him to public Turf Wars, as if they didn't fight enough at home, because Remy just _had_ to take Virgil with him when he decided to get away from...

He wasn't going to think about that.

Remy took off his shades and slipped them safely into his pocket. His eyes started glowing a brilliant gold, and the sand of the beach shifting and swirling around him. Remy raised his arms and pillars of sand shot up from the ground; he flicked his wrists and they started swirling and skidding like tornadoes, Alphine City's very own dust devils. Remy circled through his attacks, pelting a nearby boulder with stinging bullets and cascading walls of glittery, golden sand. By the time he was done and his head was cleared, the boulder was smooth as a river rock and noticeably smaller.

Well, enough of that. If Remy stayed much longer, he might be caught, and he knew how people reacted to the Sandman.

_"Disgusting **villain**, you think you can try to be good?"_

__

Visiting the knick-knack store next to his coffee shop seemed like a good idea. The owners were always there to talk to, and their obnoxious friend was always fun to tease. He picked up a few smooth stones from the ground; They could use them to make some cute mosaic or something. Remy nodded once and slipped his aviators back on, heading back up the stairs.

__

...

__

"What's up gays, how are my two favorite four-eyed hoes?" Remy pushed his way into _Pat and Lo's Knick-Knacks and Keepsakes._ Patton and Logan, the owners, were sitting behind the counter, and their friend, Roman, was sitting _on_ the counter. Remy made a special point to ignore Roman, and earned a noise of complete and utter indignation. Patton jumped up and ran around the counter, hugging Remy.

"Remy! There you are! I was wondering when we would get a visit from our Coffeebean!" Patton picked Remy up and spun him around; not too difficult a task, he was almost skin and bones.

"Careful, Pat, your boyfriend might get jealous," he joked, as Patton stepped back. Logan sighed and sat back in his chair.

"It is not an issue. Patton and I think of you as more of a son than a threat to our relationship."

"Really, Specs? you guys are only a few years older than him, isn't that a little weird?" Roman grinned and poked Logan in the side, earning another sigh. Remy sashayed forward and poked Roman's nose, Patton whispering "Boop!" behind him.

"Oh, sugar, you're just jealous that _I_ get all the attention. you get enough at that little theater of yours, I get to have the Boys!" Roman huffed and slid off the counter, and Remy quickly took his place.

After a few minutes of chatter, Remy took the stones out of his pocket and showed them to Patton.

"I found these at the beach today, thought you might be able to do something with them. I know how you love crafting--" Remy was cut off by a hand on his shoulder. Patton looked at him, worried.

"You only go to the beach in the middle of the day if something happened. What's wrong?" Remy froze, then sighed.

"My roommate--the jerk one I told you about, remember?--came into my coffee shop and had the _audacity_ to ask for coffee. I told him he was banned, and then he threatened me, so _I_ threatened _him,_ so of course he told me to meet him for a fight," he rambled, the three others looking increasingly worried. Roman stepped forward and put a hand on his other shoulder. Ever-chivalrous Roman.

"Where did he ask you to meet him? I can show up, talk some sense into him--"

"Roman, no." Both Roman and Patton turned to stare at Logan. "I know exactly what you have in mind, and you are not doing that." Roman sighed and trudged back to where he was standing and shot a glare at Logan. Patton looked worriedly between them.

"Really, babes, it's fine. You don't wanna get mixed up in me in Virgil's fights, they get pretty violent," chucked Remy, but all he earned were concerned glances. "I'll be fine. Gotta head out now, bye b*tches!" Remy hopped off the counter and left. He had to prepare for tonight.

...

Remy arrived at his apartment 7:14. He strode into his room and shrugged off his clothes, winking at himself in the mirror. He changed into his vigilante outfit and admired himself without the mask; Black crop top under a white cloak, embroidered with swirls of gold thread. He carefully filled the pockets on the inside of the cloak with sand, even if he was going to be right on the boardwalk. Black ripped jeans clung to his legs in all the right places. 

At 7:17, Remy nodded his head in agreement with himself, and headed to the bathroom he regrettably shared with Virgil. Pushing aside empty packets of purple hair dye, he got out his best eyeshadow palette. He clouded the area all around his eyes black, so it would extend to where the mask stopped and the eye-holes started, and painted his lids his favorite shade of shimmery gold.

at 7:24, Remy smirked at his reflection, sliding on his mask, a black glittery ordeal that only covered the top part of his face. Remy let his second eyelids slide down (the perks of being a sand-oriented terrakinetic, the extra body mods were super useful), making his eyes look completely yellow. Remy let loose a stereotypically villainous cackle; it didn't feel right. He attempted a triumphant, heroic laugh; not that either. He finally tried a condescending chuckle; perfect.

At 7:25 precisely, Remy slipped through the window of his apartment to the fire escape below. He let the sand pour out of his pockets and lift him up into the air, his own personal sandstorm carrying him to the boardwalk. Remy frowned; there were going to be a lot of civilians around, just what Virgil wanted, probably. Publicity was bad for Remy right now, every news outlet seemed to have it out for the Sandman.

At 7:30, Remy settled down onto the boardwalk. The entire section immediately cleared, leaving the Sandman all alone in the middle of a terrified, gawking crowd, parted around him like the Red Sea. Remy stood tall, waiting.

At 7:31, a murmur-turned-roar slowly came upon the crowd as the villain known as Papercut shouldered his way through the crowd.

"Hoe, you're late."


	2. in which a Salty Sandy B*tch fights with his roommate.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Sandman and Papercut fight over territory, and Remy and Virgil fight over a single black coffee. Unfortunately, there are some familiar faces in the crowd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Violence, blood, insults, curse words, scars  
also, Virgil is pretty much in a state of pre-Accepting Anxiety. im gonna fix him maybe so stick around

"Hoe, you're late." Virgil stalked forward in his black combat boots and stopped about ten feet away from Remy. The villain was much more confident in costume than he was as a journalist for the _Alphine Newspaper._ His purple thigh-highs shifted around his legs, perfectly framed by black short-shorts. His cut-off jacket blew in the breeze around the skin-tight long-sleeve shirt. His emblem glinted on his chest; when Virgil had designed the costume, he has insisted it was a "cut-shape," but it really just looked like a lightning bolt. When he spoke, the black bandanna Virgil kept tied around his nose and moth shifted uncomfortably.

"It's only been a f*cking minute. I'm here now. Can we get this over with?

"Oh, _Papercut,_ wait just a minute! are you trying to make it sound like _I_ invited you here?" Remy turned and gestured grandly to the crowd surrounding them. He noted with satisfaction that some people were filming. "Even when today, you barged into my place of work, _which you are banned from,_ and threatened me right in front of my poor, innocent paying customers!?" Remy laughed, wiping an imaginary tear from his eye. Virgil growled and crossed his arms. Remy let his face drop. "B*tch, _please._"

Remy shifted into a fighting stance, his cloak billowing around him. The gold embroidery caught the autumn sun as it prepared to set. Virgil uncrossed his arms, threw his shoulders back, an summoned a dozen razor-sharp, glowing pieces of paper. The floated around him like silent sentinels. Remy dashed forward and feinted to the right before shifting his weight and swinging his fist the other way. He caught Virgil hard in the side, sending the villain stumbling backwards, but not before his arm scraped across the edge of one of the floating papers. A line of shining red blood seeped from the wound and began to drip down his forearm. Virgil laughed and dodged at Remy lunged again.

"Looks like you got a little something there, Sandy! Aww, is the poor baby gonna be okay?" Virgil taunted Remy, landing a hard kick in the vigilante's gut with the heel of his boot. Remy stumbled back, growling. He directed his sand to encase the cut on his arm, then went a step further, letting the golden grains pour from the pockets in his cloak and wrap around his fist, solidifying into a heavy gauntlet.

"_Wh*re,_ I'm older than you. check your facts," he shot back, propelling himself forward and slamming into Virgil. They flew backwards, the crowd behind then scurrying back. Remy extended his senses and felt the beach below the boardwalk-- perfect. He let the sand surge up, through the wooden planks, and with a clenching of his fist, it held Virgil down to the ground, ropes and shackles looping over and under the villain and keeping him in place. "Who's the baby now, Captain Cardstock?"

Virgil laughed from his place on the ground. It sounded loud and harsh. "Oh, it's still you." Flexing his fingers, Virgil summoned a sheet of glowing paper and pushed it straight forward, knocking Remy backwards. The sand seemed to melt and slide off of Virgil, now that Remy had lost concentration. Virgil brought his makeshift battering ram back to him, turning it horizontal and jumping on top of it. He flew up into the air and summoned thousands of slivers of sharp-edged paper in a way that make Remy offhandedly think of Omega Flowey Bullet Hell. He gathered sand under him, quickly following his arch-nemesis.

Virgil drew his hand back, Remy assumed as a sign of warning. _Maybe he still cares._ Remy summoned a swirling storm of compacted pellets of sand. The two let them surge forward at the same time; the attacks met in the middle and exploded in a shower of glittering gold, white, and purple, making the people below scream and scramble even farther backwards. Remy threw a volley of projectiles at Virgil, each of with were dodged and deflected. Virgil returned a similar attack and was met in kind.

It was almost too easy, they knew all of each other's attack patterns. They had spent the majority of their lives together, training, playing, joking, insulting, fighting... Remy almost missed what they had before, when he was a villain, but he knew that it was too late to go back. He knew he was on the right side of the world now (well, mostly), and he wasn't going to go back ever again, not after...

Not important.

The battle.

Remy tensed as Virgil surged forwards. This was something they did as kids, but never this high up. Virgil would grab Remy and push him off balance, and they would land on the ground with Virgil on top of him. The vigilante imagined the way his bones would _crunch_ once he hit the ground. He let the sand under his feet dissolve, and started free-falling, Virgil swooping into a nose dive to follow. At the very last second, he made his sand cushion his fall, landing softly on the ground. Before he had any time to roll away, Virgil landed on top of him, straddling the older man's waist and grabbing his wrists, pinning him to the ground.

"Well, isn't this just like old times?" Virgil asked, false honey dripping from his voice. The villain pushed Remy's wrists into the ground, slowly dragging them away from his body. The slow scrape against the wood made dozens of tiny splinters collect in Remy's wrists. Virgil leaned down to whisper in Remy's ear, he could fell the uncomfortable moisture in the villain's bandanna. "Too bad you're too f*cking _good_ now."

Remy screamed and threw Virgil off of him, summoning copious amounts of sand from under him. Without all of the support provided by the sand, the structure groaned under them. Luckily, there was still enough to keep it from falling. The ground pulsed with golden waves, directed by the Sandman. People scurried back as it lapped at the edges of the crowd.

"I'm done playing, Papercut. I'll give you the chance to slink back to The Witch-Doctor and Duke Darkness now. If you don't, I'll take it as an invitation to _kick you *ss._"

"If you say so, Sandy," cackled Virgil, and he shot exactly one well-placed projectile. Remy dodged, and it caught on Remy's cloak. It tore through the fabric and ripped it off of him. It fluttered to the ground, shimmering in the crisp ocean sunset.

The crowd stared. The back of the Sandman's crop top was cut out, allowing them to see the scars running up and down his back. The thick silvered lines of skin cast odd shadows over his back, and when he started stalking toward Papercut, they rippled strangely over his shoulder blades and the ridge of his spine. 

"You know what, b*tch? I think it's time you go to sleep." Remy slowly clenched his hands and the waves of sand surged upwards, dragging Virgil to the ground. It encased the villain in a dome of solid sand. Remy glared at the crowd,when he locked eyes with a certain glasses-wearing puffball.  
Patton.

_Sh*t._

And he was clinging to Logan.

** _Double sh*t._ **

When Patton saw that the Sandman had made eye-contact with him, he stumbled back, Logan catching the smaller man. Remy felt his heart break watching his two closest friends back away in fear. He spun around, addressing the crowd.

"All of you, clear out! I don't want anyone getting hurt!" The low, constant whisper of the crowd strengthened until it was almost deafening, but nobody left. "**I said, _GO!_**"

The civilians started pushing to get away, Remy keeping Virgil tight under the dome of sand until everyone was gone. (Well, almost everyone, he noted with satisfaction that some people were hiding behind walls, filming.) He sauntered to the dome of sand and let it dissolve just enough to see Virgil's head. The villain gasped, blinking sand out of his eyes. Virgil screeched, and burst out of the dome with a flourish of paper, jumping backwards.

The villain whipped his head around, eyes widening. "Where did they all go!?"

"I sent them away, don't want them to get in the way."

_"They were supposed to watch--"_

"Wh*re, they don't need to watch, all that's gonna happen is I'm gonna kick your *ss."

Virgil made a guttural noise of rage deep in his throat, summoning a cloud of thin-edged slivers of paper. As he directed them to go shooting forward, Remy made a wall of sand towering above him, then let it crash down like a tidal wave. It fell and sifted through the boards back to the beach underneath, taking the slivers of paper with it. Virgil lunged at Remy, preparing to throw his arms around the vigilante's middle and force him to the ground, but at the last second, Remy twisted and threw his weight so that he landed on top, forcing the villain's face into the rough wood underneath them. Remy swung his leg around the younger man and jabbed his elbow right between Virgil's shoulder-blades. Virgil twisted his head uncomfortably to look Remy directly in the eye.

"That's one of Declan's moves. You're just the same as you've always been, just like _us._"

In response, Remy tugged Virgil's bandanna off of his face and clamped a hand over his nose and mouth. Virgil yelled, muffled, but was quieted by another sharp jab in the back. Remy's hand started glowing, secreting what looked like golden, shimmery dust, or fog. Virgil breathed it in, his eyes beginning to droop.

"Like I said earlier. Go. To. _Sleep,_" growled Remy. Virgil's eyes closed and he began to snore, his moist breath warm on Remy's hand. Remy got off of the villain and pulled his bandanna back up, then picked him up and slung him over his shoulders. He started the trek back to the apartment as the sun dipped below the horizon.

...

"Heeey, Mister Sandman! Scar-Back McGee! Whatcha got there? A dream, just for his Royal Majesty, _me?_" Remy groaned and continued walking. "Are you just gonna ignore me like that? C'mon, that hardly seems hero-like at all!" Remy stopped dead and turned around. Right behind him, being oh, so annoyingly dramatic, was the city's favorite hero of all. The Prince stood regal and tall, directly under a street lamp in the hazy dusk, like a character in some cheesy movie. The red-and-white clad superhero grinned and leaned against the lamp post expectantly.

"Well, it it isn't our grand and luxurious Prince. Bask in his glow and majesty. He will deliver us from the clutches of evil, blah blah blah. All hail, or some sh*t," Remy deadpanned, hefting Virgil's sleeping body higher on his shoulders. "What do I owe the pleasure, Prince?"

The Prince huffed and crossed his arms. "First of all, the phrase is _to_ what do I owe the pleasure, and second, it seems you have my arch nemesis's unconscious body hefted over your shoulders. Care to explain, Sandy Cheeks?"

"B*tch, Papercut is my arch nemesis, not your's. We have so much more history than _you,_"Remy spat, turning around. He was almost to his apartment, but he couldn't lead the Prince to his "base of operations." "Why don't you just f*ck off, I've got places to be." Remy sped up and took a right where he normally would take a left.

"Wh...WAIT! You left your cloak at the boardwalk. Some friends of mine were having a date when you two showed up, and called me once you, uh, knocked 'im out. I've got it right here, so..." The Prince trailed off. Remy couldn't see, but he had obviously stopped dramatically under another street lamp. The vigilante sighed and turned around, plopping Virgil onto a bench. He took his torn cloak and fastened it around his shoulders.

"Do you have your phone with you?" The Prince nodded. "Good. call someone you trust, and be quick about it, b*tch."

"God, you don't need to be so extravagantly rude about it," the Hero sighed, pulling his phone from inside of his coat. He quickly dialed a number before holding it up to his ear. "Hey, Brainiac!... Don't worry, everything's fine... No, really--" Remy darted forward and pressed a hand to the Prince's mouth, making his fall asleep. He caught the phone as he caught the hero, placing the man heavily next to Virgil. Remy checked the name of the contact. _Logan._ his blood froze-- surely it couldn't be the same person.

"--oman? Roman? are you there? I am aware you said you were alright, but please answer me!--Yes, Patton, I am sure everything is fine, we just need to wait--"

Well, that disproved that theory.

"Why, _hello_ there. You're Logan, right?" Remy made his voice crackle with ice, he couldn't let his friends know it was him. "It's the Sandman. I think the Prince said you were there for me and Papercut's fight, right?" He heard a sharp intake of breath on the other side of the line.

"What have you done with the Prince?"

"Oh, sugar, you think I picked a fight with him? Creep tried to follow he home. He's sitting right on this bench right here, fast asleep!" Remy laughed. It was nearly his villain laugh, but it sounded empty.

_Remy did not like acting._

"...Why?" It was Patton. Remy's heart shattered all over again. He got an idea.

"I couldn't just lead the dramatic idiot right to my secret base, right? This way, I'm making sure he can get home fine."

"What are you talking about? WHERE ARE YOU KEEPING RO-- THE PRINCE!?" Remy flinched back. He wasn't used to Pat sounding so hostile.

"I told the Prince to call someone he trusts, then I put him to sleep. I'm going to tell you where I left him, then I can go back home without Prince Flashy finding out, and you can come get him back home. I didn't hurt him, I'm not a villain anymore, but I don't trust him either." Silence on the other line. "Wait a minute, Princey mentioned something about his friends on a date...? Oh no, you guys wouldn't be those nerds with glasses, would you?" Remy tried his best to sound clueless, but couldn't mask his worry all the way.

"Yes. That would be us. You looked directly as us." It was Logan again.

"Aw, f*ck, I probably scared the sh*t out of you. Didn't mean to. Well, Anyway--"

"Where is the Prince." It didn't even sound like Logan, it wasn't phrased as a question. Logan never talked to him like this; cold, unfeeling, forceful. Remy bit back a sob.

"Jeeze, hoe, I was just about to tell you. He's on uhh... 18th Street, third bench down from the intersection with Baker. In front of Guy's Family Pizza. That good?"

"That is adequate."

"Really, though, I'm sorry for scaring you at the battle, I--" The line beeped, and went dead. Remy stared at the phone, a tear slipping down and catching on his mask. He tore it off and scrubbed at his face, smearing his makeup. Remy sat down heavily on the bench and cried. It was something all-too-familiar for him: people he loved, yelling at him, talking to him like he was chewed-up gum on their shoe, _hurting him..._

He heard a car, distantly. He looked up, and could barely make it out, but there was Logan's car coming up, northbound on 18th. Remy quickly pulled his mask back on, and slung Virgil back over his shoulders. Sand poured from his ripped cloak under him, it wasn't enough. Pebbles came rushing to him from the road and the edges of buildings. The gray sand under him lifted him into the air just as Logan's car was nearing, and he raised up just enough to that he could look down at them, but they couldn't see him clearly.

"R-- PRINCE! PRINCE!" Patton jumped out of the car and rushed to Roman. Logan got out, but instead looked up.

"Sandman."

"Tell the Prince I said thanks for my cloak," Remy said weakly, and let his sand carry him and Virgil away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmm hows Remy gonna deal with this? what will Pat and Lo say to civilian Remy?
> 
> FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON TOTAL. DRAMA. ISL-- wait wrong name??  
THE ADVENTURES OF REMY SMITH, CERTIFIED ANTIHERO!


	3. in which our Main Hoe is Asleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some backstory, but not that which you want.
> 
> Mini flashback chapter, because I forgot to save my file and the entire chapter I was writing before got deleted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Homophobia, transphobia, Prejudice, references to self-harm, vague food mentions  
I'll have info on all of their ages at the end so watch out for that
> 
> also some things I write seem awkward but that's because i cant write "b00bs," because it will alert my school's filter system, and Remy is hardcore trans so ye

_  
Remy woke up on the dirty mattress on the ground in the abandoned prohibition tunnels under Alphine City. It was a serious downgrade from his nice, comfortable bed before, but he had given that up six years ago, when he was fifteen, when he had decided that he wasn't "Rebecca Marie Smith" anymore. That, and the fact he had developed powers. Now he was down here with Remus and Declan, and this kid two years younger than him named Virgil who Dee, Ree, and him had taken in a few weeks ago. It was on that very mattress he woke up on just then that he found Virgil curled into Remy's side, with tear-streaks running down his face._

_Remy stared at the kid, and felt himself soften. He had been about like this when Dee and Ree found him. Barely speaking, crying, no control over his powers. From what Remy had gleaned, Virgil's parents had seen him cutting with his... they were flexible, but they could also be rigid. Virgil called them "papers." His parents had dropped Virgil off at the homeless shelter instead of school that day, Remy had been there to see it. He saw Virgil's dad grab the kid's shirt and throw him onto the pavement, he heard Virgil's mom scream about his powers and his cutting. After Virgil's sh*tty parents drove off, Remy had helped him up and led him to the tunnels. Once they were safely inside, Remy had explained who he was and the people he lived with. _

_When Virgil heard that Declan and Remus were the Witch Doctor and Duke Darkness, the two greatest villains of the city, he had stopped._

_"What the h*ll? You guys are **evil?**"_

_"No, we're fighting society in the best way we can."_

_Virgil had looked confused at that, but when he learned what had happened to each of them, he understood._

_And now, not even two weeks later, here he was. Remy turned and wrapped his arm around Virgil and rubbed circles into his back._

_"Shh... It's okay, you're safe with me," Remy whispered, and Virgil made a low rumble in his chest that sounded like a purr and curled farther into Remy's side. "There you are. You're gonna be okay, honey."_

_It almost hurt how like Virgil Remy had acted when Declan and Remus had found him. Remy still had more feminine top parts, then, and he went crying to them whenever he looked down. He was genderfluid, but looking at his chest made him feel sick, whatever gender he was. (Later they had robbed a bank to get money for testosterone and top surgery, and donated the rest, anonymously, to LGBTQAA+ charities.) He had spent many nights curled up on a dirty mattress between the two villains, having kind words and reassurances whispered to him night after night. It made Remy feel warm to be able to do the same._

_Remy was really going to like Virgil._  
Maybe more than he liked his other friends, Patton, Logan and Ro--

**Wait.**

That wasn't right. He had met Patton and Logan when he was 28, six years after he met Virgil, and he wasn't really been friends with them until he met Roman, when he was 30, two years ago. It had been 11 years since that particularly warm bit of fluff.

And he _hated_ Virgil.  
(did he though?)

Remy slowly opened his eyes. Ah, yes, that was better. Cold, hard, stinging reality, nothing to distract him like old memories of when things were so much better.

Remy hadn't talked to his friends in four days. He never worked shifts alone at the coffee shop so that, in the case that any of them would show up, he could send his employee to take their order and avoid doing it himself. He asked these same employees for rides home, when he wasn't at the beach, attacking the cliff-side. He was pretty sure that if he kept going at this rate he would be able to carve a cave into the rock face.

He just wished that he could tell his friends why he was ignoring them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AGES:  
Remy: 32  
Virgil: 30  
Patton: 34  
Logan: 35  
Roman: 33  
Remus: 33  
Declan: 38  
^--Deceit btw
> 
> I originally had this super angsty thing planned out with Fem!Remy crying her eyes out in front of the Core 3, but for some reason all my tabs reloaded and I forgot to save. oops


	4. in which Remy is a Girl and she Cries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remy is dysphoric, so she changes her pronouns and wears a dress. She cries, Virgil is Not Awful, then she talks to her friends. Patton's hot brother comes up in conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: Dysphoria, top surgery scars, crying

Remy stared at herself in the mirror. It had been a full nine days since she had talked to her three friends, _one of which was an actual superhero with which she fights with on the regular,_ and her dysphoria had been hitting her hard. When she looked at the scars on her chest, so different from the scars on her back, she felt sick. She wondered why she ever transitioned at all, and she almost actually missed her old name.

_ **Rebecca Marie Smith.** _

It was terrible.

She pulled on one of her signature white t-shirts and leather jacket, but it just felt _wrong._ She went to her closet, and there it was, the best thing she owned, the only thing that was going to make her feel good about her body, but it made her want to cry. The ombré dress, that had been gifted to her by Patton, when she had first told him she was genderfluid, was the most perfect thing in the world. The top was milky white, but it transitioned into a deep brown, almost black at the bottom. Pat had said it looked like "one of those neat little coffees you serve!"

Remy changed into it, slowly, carefully, then stared at herself in the mirror again, and this time, it felt _right._ Twirling around once, she pulled on her jacket and went to the bathroom. She put on makeup and the "She/Her" pin she kept in a drawer with the rest of them. Then she put on her aviators, pulled on a pair of stilettos and grabbed a purse, stuffing her main phone and Sandman phone inside, and made her way to the door. What she didn't notice, was Virgil on the couch, writing.

"You look nice, Rem."

"B*tch, don't call me that."

"What, 'nice' or 'Rem?'"

"Both! You're just... not allowed to do that anymore!"

"Well, excuse me for trying to boost your confidence. You've been a mess since the Boardwalk."

"Not my fault, hoe!" Virgil glared at Remy.

"So it's my fault, that's what you're getting at?"

"No! It's just... I just..." Remy felt like crying again, the weight of everything slamming back into her after her gender euphoria high. Her posture broke and she crumpled to the ground. Virgil hesitated and sprang up, wrapping his arms around her.

"hey, Lullaby, it's gonna be okay, uh, whatever happened is gonna work itself out?" Virgil was going to end with a _maybe,_ but it wouldn't help Remy at all.

"Vee, you know we're gonna fight again, this isn't going to help, and the nerds are still gonna hate me--" Virgil cut her off by putting a hand on her bouth and taking off the aviators. Her eyes were yellow; that wasn't good. She did that when she didn't feel safe.

"Remy, obviously we're gonna fight. I'm a villain and you're a tricked-out vigilante. But, whoever the 'nerds' are, they probably don't hate you. _I_ don't hate you. Uhh... you probably have to talk to them or something?" He knew he was bad at this, but it was the least he could do. Even if Papercut and the Sandman hated each other, Virgil and Remy had too much history, too many good times, to just let that all go. Even when he wrote articles putting down the Sandman and she beat his *ss every time, they couldn't let go.

"They don't even f*ckin' know why I won't talk to them, Vee, but they hate the Sandman, and now...!" Remy burst into tears, hyperventilating. _panic attack._ Virgil knew how to deal with those.

He led her through the breathing exercises that his therapist, doctor Picani, had taught him, 7-4-8, and Remy slowly calmed back down. Once she had stopped crying, they simply sat on the floor, clutching each other, rocking back and forth. It was the first time in quite a while they had been so close, and even longer since they--

_"With the taste of your lips, I'm on a ri-ide~ You're toxic, I'm slipping--"_

Remy grabbed her phone and answered it, the ringtone cutting off abruptly.

"Yeah, what's poppin', Brooke?... It's Boss-Woman today... OH SH*T!" She took the phone away from her ear and rushed into the bathroom. "Vee, I gotta go soon, I'm 20 minutes late for my shift!" Virgil listened to her scramble around the bathroom, a few minutes of silence as she fixed her makeup, and a large crash followed by an "I'll clean that up later!" She rushed out of the bathroom, snatching the aviators Virgil was holding out for her and flung open the door. "Bye, Vee!"

Virgil sent her a two-fingered salute, and she rushed out the door, forgetting to close it. He sighed and stood up, shutting it with a _click,_ and got back to writing. The report on the Battle of the Boardwalk wasn't going to write itself.

\---

"B, my favorite breeder, I can't say sorry cuz' a big thing happened but I'm here now, so--" Remy was cut off by three pair of eyes locking onto her, and Brooke's chastising glare. Patton, Logan, and Roman stared at her for a second, before swarming her. Remy tried to shrink down into herself, thinking they were going to attack her, but instead she got wrapped in a big group-hug.

"REMY! WE HAVEN"T SEEN YOU IN FOREVER! ARE YOU OKAY!?" yelled Patton, making Remy flinch. "Oh, I'm sorry! Remy, we haven't seen you in forever, are you okay!?" Remy chuckled and melted into the hug, that even Logan was taking part in.

"Yeah, Pat, I'm good now. what are all of you doing here?" Remy carefully untangled herself from her three friends. Logan adjusted his glasses and lilted his head.

"You have not spoken to us in exactly eight days, eleven hours,--" he checked his watch. "--fifteen minutes, and 45 seconds, 46, 47, 48--" Roman shoved his hand over Logan's mouth.

"Anyway, we missed you! We spent _days_ trying to call you!" Remy looked down guiltily. She had blocked all their numbers after the Boardwalk. "And we were worried that something _horrible_ had happened to our favorite diva! So we came in here and asked your employee!" Roman gestured grandly to Brooke, who sighed.

"The three of them came in here asking if you died or something. The nerd tried to interrogate me, the softie made puppy eyes until I called you, and the geek begged me not to tell you that they were here. Also you completely forgot that you don't come in until one today," she deadpanned, glaring at each of them in turn. The three men looked embarrased, but Remy climbed over the counter and hugged her.

"Aww, B, this is why you're my favorite straight! You almost got me in sass!" Remy whirled around to face Logan, Patton, and Roman, her dress floating around her legs. "I guess I have to talk to you hoes now. Since I don't actually work for another two hours or something we have time. Come outside!" She pushed the three out of the door to the patio overlooking the oceanand sat them all down. "I'm guessing you guys have questions. Ask away, babes!"

The three sat in confused silence for a moment, before Logan spoke up.

"Remy, where were you? we were concerned."

"I didn't go anywhere, babe. Just changed around my hours a bit," she supplied, folding her legs. Patton glanced around and leaned forward.

"Did you not want to see us?

"I did, but you guys said some things that really got to me. Still kinda hurts, honestly, but that's life, I guess." Remy leaned back in her seat and pushed up her aviators. The three men looked to each other nervously, not sure what to do.

"Remy--"

"Roman."

"What did we say? It obviously put you in unimaginable pain. I would like to know, so that we don't make the same mistake again."

"I... can't tell you. Sorry." Remy frowned and looked down, inspecting her nails. "I know you didn't mean it--well, you did--but it's not really a problem. It's how you guys see it, and I can't change that."

"Coffeebean, we can't fix the problem if you don't tell us what we're doing wrong! I just wanna help you, Remy!"

"Yes, Remy, it _would_ be ideal if we were, ah... privy to this information."

Remy shut her eyes tight behind her aviators, opening and closing her second eyelids underneath the outer ones. It felt weird, but it grounded her.

"There's someone you guys hate, and if I tell you why what you said about him hurts, you'll hate me. So, sorry babes, I can't say. Please don't make me elaborate," she pleaded, shrinking into herself. Patton looked taken aback, Logan looked like he realized something, and Roman looked like he was loading. After a moment, his eyes widened, and he leaned forward, whispering.

"Remy, please don't freak out, but are you... _you know..._" Remy held her breath and got ready to run. "_Papercut?_"

The table was silent for a long, awkward moment, with the four staring at each other. Remy broke out into a grin, and started full-out laughing, leaning on the table for support.

"Oh...! My...! _GOD!_ Pffft! You think... You thought...! You think I would wear a _cutoff denim jacket!?_ B*tch please! That edgy dork! Me...! Ho-ly _SH*T!_ You crack me up!" As Remy was absolutely losing it, the three men each had their own distinct brands of confusion plastered on their faces. Patton seemed to be less worried, Logan looked exasperated, and Roman _trying_ to figure out why she was laughing.

"So, that's a no on that theory?"

"Roman, a theory only exists when something has been heavily tested over time and all evidence points to it being true--

"Shut up, Pocket Protector. Remy?"

Remy stifled her laughter enough to answer. "That's a no, chief."

"Oh, good, I don't know what we would do if our best friend was a villain," Patton joked. Remy kept her face neutral, but her heand tightened in her dress under the table.

_ **You have no f*ckin' clue.** _

For the nexr hour or so, the three sat and chatted, before Brooke came out and gave Remy a ten-minute warning. Suddenly, Remy remembered something.

"Say, Mocha, who's whatching the shop? You wouldn't close on a business day just for me, right?" Patton giggled at the nickname.

"Don't worry about it, it's covered! My big brother is watching it. Ever hear of Mister Doctor Emile Picani?" Logan's nose scrunched at the double-prefix, while Remy stiffened.

where had she heard that name before-- oh sh*t. Doc Picani. Virgil's totally hot-piece-of-*ss therapist they had run into grocery shopping, once, who knew _both_ of their secret identities. Emile Picani, who had promised not to tell, patient confidentiality and all that, but would _totally_ recognize him and maybe slip up.

"yeah, I think. Hey, I gotta get ready for work, I'll stop by later?"

"Affirmative. Goodbye, Remmington."

"Bye, Coffeebean!"

"Farewell, beautiful maiden!"

"Ro, you're gay as f--"

"RESPECT ALL WOMEN!"

The bickered and laughed, heading back inside, the three men heading out the front door.

Well, that was a sh*t show. Remy smiled after them. She thought that maybe, just maybe, things would turn out alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooh hoo hoo im about to set up romance


	6. Update, not a chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peas please read

Hey dudebros

Sam here

I uh

don't feel like writing any of my Sanders Sides stuff rn. I just cant find any inspiration to

(also i dont have the plots for many of them planned out as much as id like. If you want to go read them and suggest things that I should do that would be awesome)

If you want more of my content, you can just like

go to my stuff. read it

its always welcome

If you're mad at me, go read:

[Sanders Behavioral Health (by AstroZone)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21140099/chapters/50310749)

[Waste Away (by NicoAndTheNineGalaxies)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19759093/chapters/46771336)

[Stray Hearts Are Subject To Change (by Queen_Whovian_and_Everything_Else555)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21366088/chapters/50893813)

because they're awesome and i love them

While yall may be disappointed on my lack of Sanders Sides stuff, if you're into Beetlejuice, you'll be happy to know that I WILL be updating by two Beetlejuice fics,[_ Inside Out And Upside Down_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21422743/chapters/51041941) and [_Pretty Things Don't Play In The Dark_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21332851/chapters/50806951)

<strike>Also i MIGHT update April Fool's but that's only because it's my main SS project</strike>

Thanks for understanding!!!!!


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